DO EMBARRASSING CONFESSIONS...
were three bears, three wise men, and three blind mice:
Or was it
three beers, three wise hens and three kind lice? (Even if they're kind, don't
forget to check your work colleagues frequently...):
three embarrassing confessions. They reflect moments of past confusion and
continue to haunt me.
uproarious class laughter, I remember telling my 3rd grade class that the sun
rose in the NORTH and set in the SOUTH.
that's what my compass said!" I said in defence, adding further hilarity to the
confession and turning red as an outback sunset.
kid sitting next to me laughed so much that I stabbed him in the leg with a
pencil and I was sent to the principal to be caned.
ever escape the clutches of this memory? Whenever I start to feel cool I hear a
wicked whisper in my ear taunting me: "Where does the sun set again?"
over this angst by cutting to a stage version of 'Annie' - the orphan with the
mad red pubic afro is me and I'm belting out 'The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow!' to
a standing ovation.
creative imagination exercise seems to help me in between my therapy visits.
2. I did
not know that planes could not go backwards until recently.
I had never given it much thought. I just imagined a shift gear stick or
something in the cockpit. Or maybe a 'Reverse' button and a clutch. It was never
a question in trivial pursuit. I had never discussed it with friends. How was I
supposed to know?
there's a little car attached to our plane's front wheel!" I remember saying to
Daniel on our trip to Australia at Christmas, pointing out the window as we
departed from Zürich Terminal E.
was being sipped and I was trying to open my mixed peanuts. They exploded in a
hand grenade of macadamias and cashews which flew in all directions. A chunk of
almond was still visible in the hair of the woman sitting in front of me as we
landed in Singapore 14 hours later. That's another story though which I am using
now to distract you from my embarrassment.
had to repeat my comment loudly. My boyfriend was listening to Barbara Streisand
on his Ipod®. He was wearing those giant 'We Are The World' recording studio
earphones that would make even Quincy Jones jealous. I tapped him and pointed
out the window again, waving in excitement. He turned the volume down and looked
at me in pity. "Every plane gets taken backwards like that," I was told,
deadpan. The shock! It was like someone telling me that Santa Claus didn't
exist. I had to order a top-up of Bollinger to get over my surprise (and some
thought that Kurt Cobain was the friend of a neighbour until he went into his
Tabitha, a Nirvana fan, left my house in disgust when I told her that I didn't
know who he was.
came exploding into my shared household terrace one morning in a hail of
doorbell ding dongs and shouts. I ran to the door in a panic, thinking that
there'd been a car accident. Tabitha practically collapsed into the entrance
hall, hair all over the place, hands gesticulating madly.
looked like she was making one last desperate attempt to rid herself of a swarm
of killer bees. I asked her what was wrong and she collapsed to the floor on
cue, wailing. I passed her a tissue and squatted to floor level with a hand on
her shoulder, eyes misting in sympathy. Was it her cat, Missy? Another break-up?
A bad hair day? She gathered herself together, shaking, and whispered: "Kurt
Cobain is in a coma!"
the words said out loud was just too much for her. She glanced fearfully at the
naked light bulb hanging from the living room ceiling. It swayed in the breeze
and made her cry for some reason. Tears rolled down her face in that Right From
The Centre OF The Eye And Down The Cheek way that it did for Demi Moore in
'Ghost' (she never stops crying in that film!).
Everything was always breaking in the shared household. The house was old. Our
oven was on the blink at the time. I was arranging to have it repaired. I have
no idea why I attempted to put 2 + 2 together in my own fuzzy way but I did. I
responded softly: "Gosh, that's such weird timing. I think he left a message on
the answering machine earlier about the oven. He was supposed to be here in a
few hours. I guess I'll have to find another repairman." Tabitha flashed me a
look of horror and left immediately, slamming the door behind her.
and Frances Bean... please forgive me! Kurt – rest in peace. I have since
discovered your exceptional talents.
confessions of mine are now 'out there' for forgiveness. I can relax now during
the weekend as I wait for you all to either say 'that's ok, we understand' or
dump me forever as a friend.